Oh where do I begin with the extravaganza that was my day?? Well let's start at the beginning I have previously posted on how early the beginning was... but things mellowed out for a bit, I walked the girls around the local high school football field only to discover tonight is battle of the high school marching bands... oh goodie no place to park in front of Mom's right now my beloved family truckster is parked behind their garage
I am patiently waiting for someone to leave so I can pull the truck out front. Things are a little tight back there and I don't trust people... (it was moved later... and I started this last night) ANY way...
Girls, walked, empty and mellow, Aunt Ing, showered dressed primped and suddenly feeling a bit guilty over the primp then decided screw it... I wanted to look nice. Plus I knew deep in the deep part of my brain I would be one of the better dressed folks there... (meow)
OK so dressed, ready, dogs out for last pee, kept in the bedroom, probably asleep before I hit the end of the road out of town... and I felt Ok for now.
Mum-in-law called 15 minutes before I was due to get to her house-- oh goodie we're starting early figuring things were jumping I hit the gas and called my sister for an ETA. We chatted I gave her directions to the casa-de-in-laws... and made my way north... arrived to find.... A mess? bridal stuff everywhere?? Nope.
I found Granny still in her bathrobe, mum-in law in a dress just a bit too tight and no one else around. OK fine, so we hang out I discover that dad-in-law is off helping decorate the fire hall... (Now before you sneer that is a Western PA staple so can't say much there) My mum-in-law tells me they need to be at the church by 1:30 - father-in-law arrived at the house not dressed yet at 1:25... and he's Bubba Sr. so you can imagine how quick that went! We arrive at the church at 12 minutes until 2 PM - aka Zero hour. So we sit, me and sister in the back rows - the rest of the family up front. Even if I had wanted to be up front with the "family" there was no space for us... go figure.
Frankly it was a nice service, the pastor was well spoken gave a nice quick sermon and in 15 minutes - MARRIED! Wham-bam and I Do. The colors were black and white. The bride wore white, with a black feather thing in her hair, and a black slash around her waist and trailing behind her. Honestly it was nicer than the first dress she wore - and there wasn't nearly as much muffin top hanging over the back of this dress. But now this is when things get fun - first because sis and I were able to sit in the car for a few minutes and see Redneck fashion in full bloom before the service... shall I demonstrate? (we'll dish bride a bit more in a bit)
First well there was my mum-in-law - she's 60 plus years old... and she didn't wear any panty hose... and she wore sandals with the thing between her toes - yes boys and girls my mum-in-law wore dressy with a small heel flip flops to her daughter/grand daughter's wedding - oh sure granted it was her second but still... her mother won't buy new shoes so after the service - they had to take her home to get another pair of shoes due to a blowout -- sorry I missed it. Sources tell me her foot was flopping out the front... *snort* giggle - I'm going straight to hell for that one-- Granny arrived at the reception later - also sans hose and in a pair of grey sandals... seriously? You're too old and too pasty to go without the right foundation garments... sorry!
Next the guests - let's start with the first thing we saw in the parking lot... short skirt, chubby legs, boots with fur sticking out the top up to our chubby knees -- oh yeah babe. Next was super skinny girl in red dress with big black necklace... and you guessed it knee high boots again with the fur all laced up and ready for her nightly stroll... (saucer of milk - table 1). Perhaps because the temperatures got a little cool today they broke out the boots... or it could just be redneck fashion - I'll have to call Jeff Foxworthy for a ruling on that one.
Next - oh next what a show Aunt Ing got in The House of the Lord -(be prepared and have your reference copy of Steel Magnolias handy you will need it). Again remember Aunt Ing is certainly no member of the skinny-minny club but I try to keep things contained when out in public... not everyone has this philosophy. The second lady in red is a prime example, again another member of the no pantyhose club (apparently I am the last member) but when you turn in your chair - dear chubby woman to take pictures - one should think and turn with both legs- keeping ones chubby thighs together - one should not turn with leg one, and leave things open to air out and flash half of the church thank you very much - maybe it was just the piano but I swore I heard someone yell "Help me". Anyway after that flash and shock the ladies in black came down.
Ok not bad dresses - the maid of honor wore a short dress while everyone else wore a long black dress. Why? Because the bride wanted the maid of honor to be different... so her dress was short. I don't get that one... but hey there was a great deal today I didn't get. It also appears to me the only people who got their hair done for this mess was the bride and her sister... everyone else it appears went back to 1988 and broke out their crimping irons... (remember those boys and girls?) I never did get that fashion mistake, iron your hair to appear as if you put it in a small waffle iron... toss in a pony tail to the side and - boy howdy you got hair.
Now the dress we had the most fun with (we being sis and me) was the dress worn by Bubba's sister - aka the Mother of the Bride. She was in black, ok sure it goes with the wedding, and that is pretty much the nicest thing I can say about this... and it really wasn't the dress - it was the body in was draped over and in a recurring theme... no foundation garments. To begin quoting my favorite movie -- "It's like two pig wrestling under a blanket" Yes boys and girls when one has the shape of a barrel with layers (rolls) stacked upon one another a short, tight, black dress with ruffles on the short sleeves without some kind of Lycra under neath -- oh so not a good look.
As Sis and I quoted, she was wearing her Spanx and I my control top hose... "I haven't left the house without Lycra on these thighs since I was 14" - to which I replied, "that is because you were raised right." And you don't end up looking like a black lumpy pillow case that lost the battle with the dog. I did think the reception shoes of black and white slippers were a nice touch. Apparently shoes were just too much for this crowd - heck Bubba's sister had hers off right after the wedding - standing outside the church! In her bare feet! Classy!
The remainder of the wedding party -- dumped their shoes for flip flops or bare feet at the hall. Yeah... well when you don't wear them much I guess they are hard to grow used to... (meowww)
They didn't take many pictures in the church all I heard was the lovely Bride with her nose out of joint wanted to "get the F out of this church as soon as possible" Nice huh? But they did go back in for a few pictures.
Now to stay this wedding was organized was like saying a stampede of feral cats is a well thought out, organized event. You guessed it--- it was a big old mess - and frankly it would have been a bit of fun to see Bubba sitting through all the stops and starts of this mess... instead I had Sis and got to laugh and enjoy it! LOL
Since Granny had to head home after the service and we were done with the standing around for 30 minutes portion of our day (part 1 of X) Sis and I followed the boyfriend of the maid of honor to the fire hall... we arrived and found a spot in the corner and prepared to have a good time. Unfortunately we ended up sitting with the in-laws and had to watch our tongues...its all right - we still enjoyed the show...
First up, beverages were in coolers - pick your own, and they were out of diet very early into the evening. You know the wine was bad when even my mother-in-law wouldn't drink it... heck I smelled it... it smelled like something that would take off tar gunk off your car. Mum-in-law J was ticked because the mother of the groom apparently "agreed" to supply the liquor so she bought the beer her family likes and small quantities of crap for everyone else... include one, single, solitary, bottle of champagne. And while we're on champagne -- the toasts... the best man spoke of how long he knew the groom (kids) and doing stuff in the garden, mostly shooting the groom's late father in the backside with a bee-bee gun. Sal-Ute Then the maid of honor got up, said she had nothing prepared as she was told yesterday she didn't have to speak, then she said she didn't have any shooting garden stories and wished the bride and groom well - bravo.
Let's move on to the mother of the groom shall we? Now in the interest of balance or at least full disclosure this woman lost her husband with 6 kids to raise the eldest under 12? (not sure of that number) So her life hasn't been easy, plus, she is a farmer so again nothing soft with this woman.. that being said and our popcorn is buttered and salted - with a side of milk... whoa doggie. First she was sporting a mullet from way back - nice and short and curly in the front and all the way down to the middle of her back... yeah. She wore to her son's wedding, black pants, black vest, a colored shirt and what looked like black tennis shoes - and I'll pay someone to prove to me she smiled once that whole day. She walked down the aisle with her silk red rose and I pondered why one couldn't spend $6 for a dressy pair of shoes...after all that is what J did... (mum-in-law). But then again if you're scraping by that might be a bit too much and for something you will never need again... so I get that just giving the full picture. I also do not believe she sat down to eat at the dinner, all I saw her was running around and tending to things - which is more than either mother of the bride did, after all that is so not in their wheel house - J writes a check and T - asks her father to write a check.
My sister commented that the mom of the groom appeared to be a hard woman - that is apt - and frankly if I met her in a bar or dark alley - I'd apologize and move on with my day. Mum-in-law was all too willing to dish the dirt on her... apparently Groom Mama and the bride have already had words - color me surprised. And Groom Mama (GM for short) first said she would pay for food, and liquor, then said she'd do neither, then when forced by Bubba's sister managed to get her to buy the liquor - and I have documented how well that turned out. If I hadn't been driven I would have been drinking... because frankly it would have made this mess of a train wreck all the more fun. (the kitties are out today!)
Now in a complete bonus there is no smoking in the hall -- so 3/4's of the guests were outside most of the time! LOL... Now AFTER dinner - everyone has their jackets off, ties are gone, they decide to take pictures! Nope oh so not kidding. Should I mention when the in-laws were taking family pictures I got to stand around for 30 minutes then was nicely asked to sit next to the bride and groom on a bench outside the fire hall and snap went the picture-- alone just me with the bride and groom. And no I was not included in the group family shot... nice huh?
Oh and did I mention - again no flower? My sister said I have to get over it... and I have but just thought I'd mention I was dissed again... but considering my sister-in-law probably ordered the flowers NO big surprise there... speaking of flowers did I also mention they forgot the lapel flowers (cannot spell check that B-word!) for the men until AFTER the service? I put on three afterwards! Too freaking funny.
I will say the food was pretty good, roast pig was all right, dry as all get out - but still editable. The pasta they ordered well, let's just say it wandered through the sauce and got lost and with that getting lost turned into mush. Yum. Macaroni salad was good through - no onions bonus in my world.
Now - the reception, apparently they decided to give some 3rd cousin the gig - he was 12. Literally 12... he swallowed and subsequently SHOUTED into the microphone -(the doctor said the ringing will stop in a few days) He announced the wedding party as they walked in and again an offer of monetary compensation for anyone who understood a word this kid said. And no one applauded! They just walked in and sat down!!! When the bride and groom walked in then there was applause.
Oh and the darling precocious snot used the following classy way to get every one's attention... (HEY! YINZ! HEY - everybody!) again note the methodology of microphone use... just makes your head hurt reading about it don't it? I do believe when Floyd made reference to the "quality" DJ it was quipped by yours truly that you get what you pay for... (hey cousin Earl - bring your I-pod and the big speakers we built and that Mr. Microphone you done got for Christmas last year I need a DJ for the weddin')... I could be paraphrasing. - his name I don't think was Earl.
For the bride's dance - which he continually called the dollar dance - which in my world had a WHOLE other meaning... he play FAST songs so you had to jump around like an idiot! I took Martina - and had some fun with her; she was fascinated with all that finery... thankfully she missed the under pinning red-neckery her mama and I enjoyed that! And while I'm on the "dollar dance" isn't is odd that neither mum or father in law danced with the bride or groom - or any member of the family -- but me? Nope not kidding!
They did the garter and bouquet toss as Sis and I were packing up to head out we were pushing 9 hours for the pups home alone, and I think Sis had had enough. That and the mum-in-law had discovered Jello shooters and was winding up for a good time... she said she was going to call me Sunday... nope haven't heard from her but post football I will call home and let them know I'm home. Maybe.
As we were heading out to go back to my car, sis mentioned that the word she would use for the bride is "fake"... thank you! I'm so glad it wasn't just me...I'd gotten the two faced vibe from both her and Bubba's sister... glad to know that radar isn't jammed... Bubba has no clue - mainly because when it comes to his family his radar is completely jammed! LOL
So I made it back to Nana's without muss or fuss - until I was at the bottom of the hill where I could have WALKED to Nana's house but.. as previously noted - Battle of the high school bands -- they had the roads blocked! It took another 10 minutes to get around and about and to the house... where I did park in the back until I saw an opening up front. I texted the sister arrived safe - she did same, and then pulled apart the dogs, Violet not eating but guarding her food, Shelby wanting to help her didn't make for puppy happiness...
I have a bruised thumb to show for that bit of fun - started to blog all this wedding wonderfulness but all day sans attention and the pups were demanding. So we mellowed out - watched Diners, Drive ins and Dives went to bed early - was up early and headed home about 9AM.
Stopped in halfway ish (Breezewood to those in the know) to allow pups to go and avoid any nearly home accidents - although for this trip home I dumped them both in the back and left them there... Yes Shelby barked but I think she was tired enough not to make me crazy for very long. Bubba called from Vegas when I was about 30 minutes from home-home we chatted quickly as his mind was on breakfast with his buddy and Vegas and he could give a fat rats' be-hind about any of this nonsense.
I got home in time for kickoff... enjoyed a large lunch and am now contemplating going to bed at 8 PM with the hope of a good night's sleep.
Now if I could just get rid of this nagging feeling that I forgot to do something at Nana's... both doors locked, alarm set, water off, dishes washed, bed made.... it's in my head (please Lord) oh sure ask for his help after all his catty-catty... yeah well I don't hit kids and I don't abuse animals how about a break for the deadly sin of gossipin' ... soon to be followed by sloth -- gluttony was 2 hours ago. oh screw it -- as previously mentioned ticket has already been punched -- one way straight to the tanning booth.
Enjoy y'all... is all the popcorn gone?
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