A delicate matter...

I want to discuss a matter - a delicate matter not usually mentioned here or in any other semi-G rated (ok -- PG-13) rated blogs.  The topic today is  - well "digestive air distress"  (DAD for short) or also known more commonly as the fart.  Now I'm not going to get graphic here I just want to put out this situation which has pestered me.

First let's examine a few things, the average kid say elementary school age - farts are funny.  See a smart phone game called Fish Farts for little kids (and grown ups) where fish swim by and when you press on them they make all sorts of farting noises -- funny.  I don't care who you are.

Next we have doggie farts in my world these can be the SBD's (silent but deadly), can be loud and lengthy or they can get you out of bed at 4:30 AM to deal with the sister of digestive air distress - known as simply digestive distress or -- poop.   The first two funny -- last one not so much.   But it is part of the entire dog ownership experience and frankly I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. (dog ownership yes the other no)

Finally there are men - who from, I frankly think, birth until death think farts are funny, they embrace their own air distress with a child like glee that few women --- well get at all.  There is the ever popular pull my finger game, the barking tree frog and innumerous variations of that bit of silliness.

Now we women suffer through all the various permutations of the air distress and we have our own coping methods.  We love the dogs and kick them outside, the husbands, fathers etc we either send to another room or do the vacating ourselves.  We do however, also on occasion suffer with our own digestive air distress.   I know - we don't talk about it, name it or celebrate it generally but yes boys and girls it does happen.   I am also led to understand this occurs frequently with pregnant women - but well - just never mind that.

ANY way that being said and with all this build up I am getting to my story - (finally!).  Oh hush.   Last night darling Bubba arrives home and the early hour of 8:15 PM.   It is raining cats, dogs and a few dozen other barnyard animals last night, and sin of sin I didn't get the mail.  Sue me I had to pee - and when that was done I didn't want to go back out into the yuck - again sue me... and I'm getting off topic.

OK so he's already in a mood, now he is actually going to lodge tomorrow night, he is upstairs digging out his stuff, and he needs from me a check and some canned food to donate.  His proclamation, "pull out what we don't eat."  To which I replied I have done that already the cabinets have foods we do eat because I no longer let you clip coupons for stupid crap neither one of us will eat.  Remind me later to tell you about the butter that didn't melt story....

Now - he's got the check, and I go upstairs to help him dig through my pantry, and yes, let a little digestive air distress go.   NO!  It wasn't awful like a doggie one after 4 days with Nana - it was noise.   The reaction from my husband was unreal, frankly you would have thought I had digestive distress without the "air" right there in the kitchen!   THIS from a man who will stand in his beloved tighty-whities and tell me "the ducky loves me that is why he is so noisy" and various other inane quips in regards to his ON DEMAND digestive air distress.   And he freaks out about one minor - pass!!!   SERIOUSLY???

We've been married for 22 years - for crying out loud for us planting fertilized eggs into my (now gone) baby machine was a GROUP activity and you get all pissy about one little fart?   Boys and girls marriage is not pretty you see the person you married at their lowest sick, crabby you name it... and when things get that ugly my husband is usually in another room or out of the house - but--- its there. 

Will someone please explain to me that male reaction of digestive air distress when at ANY other time it's the funniest thing he's seen all day?   And if I have to hold it in - well good thing we have three bathrooms no waiting.   Or I'll just pull a man and blame the dog.

I think that is enough for today don't you?