FBI Job Opening:
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
And do want to know WHY we are crazy??? Let's replay the weekend shall we? As well documented here most of the things I did this weekend... let's recap for the record and to frankly prove a point.
1) Friday went shopping for necessary things to cook Christmas dinner and things we need to keep the house running.
2) Went to Dollar store for fun time things with nieces
3) got home put things away, organized things a bit
4) cleaned kitchen
5) cleaned up pile of ripped open mail, shredded and left.
6) Pulled out Christmas wrapping paper and all necessary accessories
7) Moved all presents from staging area upstairs to newly set up wrapping area downstairs
8) began wrapping gifts.
HE arrives home, late, we go to dinner, he sits on his fanny. (Friday - so you don't get your days confused)
Saturday
1) Get up change sheets on bed, remake bed, gather up towels
2) pick up bedroom, move dirty stuff down to laundry room,
3) call hairdresser, get miracle appointment
4) make list for husband
5) make myself some breakfast
6) put most of dishes in dishwasher
7) pull cards to mail, for hairdresser
8) rush to bank, fight with husband get hair done get home
9) bake lemon pound cake
10) clean up from Lemon pound cake
11) wash sheets and towels
12) Now must wash doggy beds
13) Work on Ladies Group deposit
14) Post on blog as to not murder one's husband.
15) Finish most of doggy bed wash/dry
16) wrap up Lemon cake for hostess gift for party tonight
Bubba came back from his massage and getting HIS car washed, and then to Loews for gift card and gift, and to another store for a gift card. He washes the dogs, administers drugs (i.e. pill in peanut butter so hard to do with our pups) THEN he laid on the bed and read his book.
I announced to his royal highness that I was leaving approximately 6:15 PM to travel next door to attend the party we'd been invited to by folks around the block. He was welcome to come with.
At 6:20 he manages to get himself downstairs - after I had changed clothes tended to the pups and announced I was leaving.
Party was nice, small and well fed.
SUNDAY
Boy did we sleep in. It was a nice change of pace.
THEN...
1) We enjoyed breakfast, Bubba got bagels.
2) I went to the store, so I could make cookies and gingerbread houses for the nieces.
3) Make first cookie, then discovered I didn't take a proper inventory and had to go back to the store.
4) Of course that is when Bubba calls - not so kind words were said, I was starting to feel very frustrated at myself and the world.
5) Finished the gingerbread and did not watch the football game, after Dear old Dad said how it started I figured there wasn't much of a point.
6) while rolling, cutting and baking gingerbread I made soup--- it was a mix but I did have to doctor it a bit. I added hot turkey sausage and thickened it up a bit - turned out well. AND by the time I stopped double checked I had enough pieces to do all I needed plus a bit extra in case of in transit breakage... I baked rolls to go with said soup.
7) I cleaned my entire kitchen washed everything and loaded the dishwasher BEFORE I served dinner.
8) Ate dinner, fed dogs,
9) finished wrapping the presents cleaned up that mess
10) organized a few gifts, moved some upstairs
11) went to bed and died.
Bubba got bagels, went shooting, watched football ate dinner and putzed on the computer the rest of the night, then went to bed.
This morning, I got up, did the usual get ready for work routine, went to the Ladies group bank and made my deposit, went to the grocery store returned the spices I bought in a fit of panic and don't need, picked up his dry cleaning, and drove into work. On my way - another gift.
"Check Engine Soon" light appeared on my dashboard.
That is why women are crazy!
And a note of caution to husbands - women, we, I drive my car, to and from work, and ALL around the extra places we have to go to get things done so YOUR life can run all nice and smooth. I don't futz with wires or dance around it with burning sage so something fun will happen like locked breaks or check engine lights - as a matter of fact - dear husband(s) - it is a ROYAL pain in our lives when this wrench is tossed into our path of progress and you asking "what are you doing to this truck" IS NOT HELPFUL.
So feeling on edge and in need of a valve release I call Mom - I know she's neck deep in her own stuff but after a few minutes all was well, she gave some good advice and I ran with it. Let the boss man know that I was working from home tomorrow as my car will be in the shop - I will take it in - get a ride home and hit up the kids next door for a ride when it's done. Bubba can go to work and not have his well ordered life interrupted - per usual.
And one more thing while I'm beating my keyboard into submission - and this is directed at the Bubba - who doesn't know this blog exists.... but I feel better when blow this off..... STUFF HAPPENS it's called life ya jagoff* No it's not fun when both cars and a dog require major tune ups all in the same month and sure MasterCard is dancing a jig at the charges coming across this month but we are VERY lucky that we are both working, and we can pay off the bills. And what would you do if we couldn't smarty pants? Not drive to work? Kinda self defeating isn't it? Get off my backside about this - I didn't do it! AND another thing - don't ask about the magic machines in the laundry room - you cannot wash all doggy blankets in one load - NO home machine can take that. It takes 3 loads and it has nothing to do with the number of blankets the dogs have. There are 2 dogs -who DON'T SHARE so one blanket in the family room for each, and one blanket each in the crates. DEAL WITH IT--- are you doing the laundry? Are you making sure the crate blankets are done so they are clean before the party? Do you even have a clue had to turn the darn things on? NO so go sit down clam up and leave it to me - its easier on all of us.
Now I'm going to get some lunch, apply for a new job, search the Internet for some voodoo Gris Gris to rid my truck of whatever bad ju-ju it thinks it has and head home and pray the entire way home. If you think about it - send one my way if you're inclined or at the truck either way.
I did watch the last 2 minutes of that football game. Don't ask me why. It's going to be a lonely January.
*jagoff - Pittsburgh-ese for idiot(among other endearments)
No comments:
Post a Comment