I hate watching football with girls....

Now in a news flash to yours truly, they apparently still have the Super Bowl even if the Steelers aren't playing.  Ok fine, whatever, and also (news flash) people have parties to 'watch' it together.   Now I have only been to Yinzer football parties - there the rules are simple.   Arrive before game time, graze your way through the lovely meat laden spread which should also contain a cabbage product either stuffed or with noodles and either a noodle with red sauce or polish perogies (sometimes both depending upon how wide your circle of friends are).

Children will either be on another floor with a TV or in the same room as the adults, with the understanding of 1) the game, 2) the rules of watching the game and 3) when it is appropriate to interrupt the adults for attention, like when one of the upstairs playmates have injured themselves and may require medical attention.  This of course is only after the children have done the necessary field medical checks before interrupting a football game. Those include, rubbing dirt on it, wrapping it in a towel, and the ever popular spit - only after these methods are unsuccessful then you can interrupt a parent or adult during a football - game.  But you better make darn sure there is a serious injury - or the parent in question will make sure there is... it's a face saving maneuver as all adults at a Yinzer party grew up with these rules and understand which way the wind blows.

(Now before any of my non-yinzer friends freak - tongue in cheek gang... parents during a football game will not ignore their children in case of injury... but they may wait for commercial break...)

So, having been reared in this environment I expected something close, granted I knew the menu would be different as the hosts in questions were skinny people, so again bar set low.   Next these people are Redskins fans so wasn't sure if they were fully up on all the latest goings on in the football-type arenas. (my apologies to Cindy and Deborah - diehards!  but y'all know me)    The bar ticked up when we got the house tour and saw the basement decorated in football type memorabilia - I didn't get the red and gold but (yes, yes, Burgundy and Gold... there happy Deborah?)   but that is my inner-yinzer coming out and we tucked her away for a bit.   OK so things are ready to get rolling, people are arriving food is slowing being put out - now I will say for a non-yinzer spread this one wasn't bad.   BBQ pork, and all sorts of goodies.  Groovy, game begins, women are in the kitchen, men in the living room, Aunt Ing, confused, is in the living room with the men, aren't we here to watch football?

-Now as a side note this was also a very culturally diverse crowd and "American" football is not something these folks grew up on - fine groovy, come eat, stay in the kitchen and hush it up already.  We're trying to watch football.  Next, when you come in to watch the halftime show - fine but what did you see or hear when you chat through the whole thing? - and oh yeah - when you're done - go back into the kitchen.  I could care less what the menu is for your little darling next week at school - look TV - football - shew!

Added to this blathering from the kitchen were 12, 18, 85 (I have no clue) SCREAMING pre-teen girls, who did not confine themselves to on level of the house - with doors closed.   Most of these girls looked like pre-teen Vogue barfed all over them.  Leggings were big, with skirts, little flats - which I thought was quite funny - and scary all at once - I mean if take the fashion and the halftime show it could have been 1985... that and the Steelers weren't in the Super Bowl - yep - 1985.  (I was skinny then - and would have been watching football with my father in a quiet room).  With Nana's cooking!!! YUM.  So this was Bizarr-o 1985.  And I wanted out.

Thankfully the little darlings had school the next day and only a handful stuck it out until the bitter end.... I saw the last quarter and maybe the last 5 minutes of the game in what in Yinzer-ville would have been considered a chatty party - to me (at this point) was blessed quiet - and for the first time that night I figured out that Al Micheals and Chriscolling-worthless was calling the game... commentary - all be darned.     Bubba even admitted to a headache as we headed home - my headache was an Irish Step dancer before halftime.

So what lessons have we learned from this experience?   If I want to watch football with others - I will find fellow Yinzers - who know the rules, abide by them,and will lock up their screaming children while football is on TV.   Second, I may begin to understand that God has a plan for me that didn't include children of my own - because if my little darling and her friends had done half the crap these kids did - I would be in jail for beating my kid and all her friends -- not just screaming and the like but the food mess at another person's home, (plates and cups and crap left everywhere) and yes, OK,  the screaming - I mean little girl top of their lungs, high pitched, and on going all night long- and the jumping on furniture and adults.  No, no, no pumpkin me nor my house are your personal Jungle Jim.   Yeesh.  Or perhaps I'm just a geezer.

Oh and the line I used for the title - I said that when I wandered to the downstairs television, where the men had slunk off to after the halftime show.  The women stayed in the living room.... I went potty and snuck downstairs - when a neighbor looked at me I quipped "I hate watching football with girls!"  He laughed - it was good, we talked during commercials only... we bonded - I was one of the guys for that small slice of time.

I am now at work, tired, hungry, and wondering how I'm going to write the thank you letter without slipping in the official Yinzer football rules handout... perhaps I'll wait for July and training camps to open - for the handout - not the thank you.