Why can't I enforce these rules?

I so desperately want be the office enforcer, specifically with teleconferences... personally I think telecons are the devil's work. Oh sure you can sit in your office, and "get other things done" while attentively listening to some ya-who blather on about something he thinks you need to know... but there are those who work in proximity of me who have above and beyond their fair share of conferences.... which make the rest of us crazy... Here are my suggestions for timely, informative and useful telecons - and to live harmoniously with your fellow office drones.

The first rule should be to SHUT YOUR FREAKING DOOR!!! I hate my own telecons the last thing I want to hear bleeding through my zen of Pittsburgh Sports talk radio (bless streaming Internet) is your blathering telecons - bad enough I have to listen to my own.

The second rule is be on time, nothing makes me more crazy than listening to your mellow on-hold music waiting for the meeting organizer to get their act together until 10 minutes past the scheduled meeting time. I DO have other things to do than listen to this music which will cause homicidal thoughts to occur within 4.5 minutes (or maybe that's just me).

The third rule and it's a new one for me - don't put the entire telecon on hold so you can argue with the people in the room. Do this BEFORE the meeting, wait until after the call - don't waste my time - because we're back to that on hold music and the clock doesn't reset - it starts right where it left off so my fuse is even shorter for this foolishness.

This one I will call the 'cutsie girl' rule - you know the ones those small skinny girls who add nothing to the project but find it necessary to speak up 10 feet away from the phone in that small I'm-so-small-and-cute-voice. SPEAK UP!! Or better yet sit down say nothing because the incoherent babblings you do say add nothing to the topic and simply make the call 3 minutes longer.

Finally Mr. My-opinion-is-oh-so-important I must talk over everyone constantly... you - sit down shut up and dear god let someone else have a freaking opinion - or at least take a breath. No one is interested in hearing your voice but you - talk to yourself in the car on the way home... and quit wasting my time; plus your voice is starting to give me an annoying facial tick and it makes my lunch companions nervous.

I will not wield my power unfairly first offense will be a mild shock through the phone or keyboard, the second will result in only first degree burns; third offense I show up in your office with a cattle prod... just so you get the point. Signing off to get ready to attend yet another conference call... I wonder where I can get a cattle prod on the cheap...

Later.