A love letter to Corporate IT

My dear friends at Large Nameless Corporation IT division:

I just had to write this morning to thank you for the 2 hours per day you all shave off my busy busy working time. I am required to put in an 8 hour day and thanks to you all and all those wonderful big brother lock downs and software checks, rechecks and scans that must occur every time I boot up my laptop, I just know I've got a good solid 90 minutes to do what I want.

Each morning when I arrive and boot up my computer I know I have plenty of time, to walk a block to the good breakfast place, enjoy a really good cup of coffee, enjoy those wonderfully hand prepared breakfast sandwiches, and enjoy the weather of the morning on my way back to the office. Then, I can happily attempt to log in, but then discover something didn't boot correctly so I have to re-boot - and now - I can finish the back sections of the newspaper. I can't tell you how well read and informed I've become thanks to all this additional time I have each day thanks to all your hard work and extra software on my computer!

Oh and I can't begin to express my delight when I discover you have installed another new piece of software on my machine overnight! Because then I just know I've got at least another 30 minutes in my morning routine to stop and not only smell the roses - but plant a few - providing the manicure isn't too new. Not to mention the sheer joy I feel when I get to call into the helpful help line when the new software doesn't do what it was supposed to, removed something I need to do my job (with the remaining 30 minutes of my day) , or my personal favorite requires me to reboot every hour on the hour because the new big brother software can't figure out how to install itself so the auto reboot thinks THAT will solve the problem THIS time. And the music while I'm hold - well it's all I can do not to get up and dance along... cha cha cha.

And while I'm gushing about the Help line, that voice when you first dial in, that soothing male voice with all the assuring warmth of HAL - simply calms the beast of panicked user while he rattles off all the currently crashing servers and the small wait times for assistance - my personal favorite is when he informed all who called to leave a number and "we" will get back to you, as VA Department of Transportation had yet again cut a major trunk line into HQ and the entire Northern VA email system simply couldn't talk to anyone else. While not up to your usual service levels - the royal "we" was something new and fun! And we're always up for that!

And it's not just my mornings that you have made so much better - my routine to shutdown at night... super-fab!! Now as I live in one state and work in another I must plan ahead to beat the traffic, AND my laptop. While shutting down should be a fairly simply and straight forward process you boys and girls have turned it into a game of beat the clock. Will it or won't it finally finish sending every key stroke of my day to Big Brother Server in time for me to make my meeting... 3 hours from the time started the shutdown. Don't get me wrong! This kind of guessing game is really a fun thing to end your work day with, shut down all your work applications, clean out everything, hit the magic shutdown button, wait, make that last restroom run, pick up your office, set your trash can out, wash out your mug, clean up the office kitchen, stroll back to your office, redo the notes on your white board, scrub down a wall or wash the window, pace then see the countdown clock begin wondering if you're going to get to your car before they lock down the garage for the night and you have to call your buddy Jamil, for him to approve you to get out of the garage. My co-workers and I have made it a parlor game and are looking into a patent.

In closing I just wanted to say thank you for force feeding all this wonderfully slow, painful technology on my old laptop so it grinds along at the lightening fast speeds currently listed as Snail-Hertz vs the usual industry standards of Megahertz, I just know this is the latest thing as we are always on the cutting edge - after all we are research to fixes right?

Oh hey look a new directive - we get to use Office 2007! WOW and it's already 2010 - you guys you're going to spoil us!

Thank you again, oh and if you could plan my scan during the lunch hour that would make make that 60 minute commute to work the most productive part of my day!

Signed with Love and kisses,

The Lone Corporate Drone



as if you couldn't tell I've been having a bit of computer trouble these last couple of days...